It's Been 1 Hell of a Year

It all started 1 year and 2 weeks ago. What happened you ask? My great uncle passed away (heart attack). Then it all came home to me 2 weeks later (Oct 23, 09) I received a phone call from my brother (other calls and txt came before this final call) All he said was 'she's dead'. My brother isn't much for sugar coating anything.

1 Year ago today, around 4p I found out that my ma was found dead (stroke/heart attack).

A couple months later my little cousin went to the hospital (she was in here early 20s), she had been in and out of hospitals all her life. But this time, she didn't come home. She died unexpectedly around 7a the next day.

A couple weeks after this, my grandfather died (ma's dad). He was old and had several (double digit) strokes over the past couple years.

From this time on, me and my sister-in-law would notify each other if family, or friend, or someone the family knew had passed. I stopped counting after 12 (12+ in 1 year). Morbid, yes...but that's me.

Anyway, it's been 1 hell of a year.

Things have gotten better...they aren't great, but better.

All week I had been getting more and more depressed as the days went by (not looking forward to today). Yesterday was bad...I had been trying not to think about it and trying not to cry. Last night though the tears ran. I happened across an email from ma (I wasn't looking for it, I thought I was clicking my SPAM folder, but what opened was the DRAFT folder with an email from her). I was fine, until hubs asked how I was doing and I told him about the email (not about reading it, just happening across it).

The beer (I know, I know) the beer helped too.

What a shame

How bad does life have to get for you to off yourself?

Yesterday my husband received a sad phone call ... his ex parts guy and friend committed suicide.

We do not know all the details, but he had been having family problems and he wasn't happy with the corporate crap at work.

It is such a sad thing.

He was a nice guy, what a shame.

Leaves behind a 17y/o son and wife.

Gulf Coast trip (FL-MS) Dec10-Dec 21, 2009

Dec 19, 09 we finally put ma to sea. Her request was to be scattered at sea off a boat. The boat did not happen, but the 2nd best place to let her go was at her old apt. She loved that place and talked of it often.

This is the biodegradable shell that she and Friday (Friday was her dog, he was put down about 1 month before ma's death - he had a tumor that was out of control). Now they are forever together, I see ma and Friday walking in her Heaven....a beautiful, never-ending beach at dusk...just the two of them.

They floated for quite a bit after this.

The shell fills with water and eventually the ashes fall out and the rest eventually deteriorates.

This was a beautiful day. We had just enough people there to see her off.

I took Sprout to Dauphin Island to watch the sunset. It was beautiful.

This is under a pier in Fairhope.

A pelican and blue heron hanging out at ma's lil service.

brace yourself for ramblings...

GUILT-

I still do not want to talk about it. It is hard when you get sappy emails (I don't do sappy) from family and friends - their thinking is that these words will cheer me up when they do nothing for me. Or when dear friends ask how you are holding up; I wave my hands, shake my head and say 'I'm ok', while trying to hold the tears back.

I think of myself as a strong person...for me to cry in front of others is major. So far, hubby and the boys are the only ones to witness this. Sprout is too young, I doubt if he will even remember meeting ma and Hoss just doesn't get it - he knows I am upset, but doesn't understand why. I had another breakdown last night all due to an email my stepmom sent...she was telling me what ma's service was like yesterday, how many people came, things people said...she said it was nice.

Here I sit crying as I type. I HATE THIS!

How do you get up and face the world, raise your kids, be human for your husband when all you want to do is sit in the dark and grieve?

GUILT!

I feel bad for my brother, he is alone (minus his wife and friends), he is alone - he is making all the arrangements. He is in Alaska - by the time I get there everything will be done. All I can do from here is thank him and approve or agree to this or that.

Ma has had a hard past 5 yrs. Aug '04 she was diagnosed w/ a pituitary tumor....she went thru surgery, radiation treatments and drugs...the drugs she was on took her from a nice looking woman to someone you wouldn't recognize. Her mind changed. Of course, we think that due to the tumor she was changing a few yrs prior to the diagnosis. Its hard to explain how she changed, but the change was there - this change made her hard to be around. At times, she was bitter or to me that is the way she came across.

Over the past several yrs, she had a way of driving people away. That is where some of my guilt comes in. I did not talk to her every time she called, I was not always nice to her, I did not always enjoy time with her. She came to visit this past spring and the first wk was good, but the last two...not so much. People tell me to REMEMBER her visit, REMEMBER what fun yall had - honestly it wasn't all that much fun (like I said, she changed). The very last day we were together we had a fight and I threatened to make her take a cab to the airport...she didn't, but it was the quietest trip to the airport, I didn't even kiss her bye.

GUILT - I hate that I didn't talk to her more. I HATE that I didn't get to say goodbye or I love you - I hope that even tho she drove us all crazy that she knew that we loved her.

GUILT!

I know she was alive last Wed morning and my brother found her dead Fri afternoon - I HATE to think that she had been dead for a couple days - ALONE. I hate that she died ALONE, all ALONE - she didn't have anyone, her pet dog had died just wks before.

In all honesty, when my brother told me that ma was dead - it was a relief, a relief that she will no longer be in pain...and then reality hits and knowing I will never *tears* see her again, never talk to her (even if talking was just via email).

I cant handle stress right now.

There was no autopsy - due to miscommunication - ma was embalmed on Sat. We will not get the final answers on how she died...we (the family) are thinking stroke and/or heart attack. Her dad has had several strokes over the past couple yrs (double digits).

I am actually really surprised that dad is doing so much. He and ma divorced after 21 yrs and they really haven't talked in the past 5yrs or so. He and my stepmom wrote ma's obit. It is really nice that they are doing so much.

HOW am I going to get all her things back here? PODS, Packrat do not service Alaska - I don't think I am getting that much, but I know that she has bigger (furniture) things that I would like to have. How many boxes am I actually going to ship home? How much money am I going to need to do so?

I'm fine.

GUILT!

I am still in shock. It will probably hit me when I meet up with my dad in Seattle or at the service we have planned for her next Sat.

My brother is having a viewing of ma next wk. He asked me and my dad to come up for that, but we both said that we don't want to see ma that way. So, after the viewing she will be cremated. Which is what I was expecting anyway. Cremation is something she told me she wanted many yrs ago. She even told me what boat she wanted, but I doubt that that will happen - we will get a boat close to Perdido Key and let her ashes go there.

That is another thing *ugh, I now have a headache* my stepmom found a biodegradable urn for ma.

Sorry for all the ramblings, my heart and head are just all over the place lately.