Thursday, December 24, 2009

Thank You

A BIG shout out to all my friends: Thank You for making Christmas happen for us this year.
Thank You, Thank You...Thank You. Love you all!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Gulf Coast trip (FL-MS) Dec10-Dec 21, 2009

Dec 19, 09 we finally put ma to sea. Her request was to be scattered at sea off a boat. The boat did not happen, but the 2nd best place to let her go was at her old apt. She loved that place and talked of it often.

This is the biodegradable shell that she and Friday (Friday was her dog, he was put down about 1 month before ma's death - he had a tumor that was out of control). Now they are forever together, I see ma and Friday walking in her Heaven....a beautiful, never-ending beach at dusk...just the two of them.

They floated for quite a bit after this.
The shell fills with water and eventually the ashes fall out and the rest eventually deteriorates.
This was a beautiful day. We had just enough people there to see her off.

I took Sprout to Dauphin Island to watch the sunset. It was beautiful.

This is under a pier in Fairhope.

A pelican and blue heron hanging out at ma's lil service.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Some may ask themselves 'why is she freaking out so much...they have their Health'. We may have our Health, but Health does not pay the bills.

It is going to be damn near impossible for me to get a job...a Good job here in small town USA. I do not have a degree and I only have so much of college. I am a SAHM (stay at home mom) and have been for 5 years now (ever since we moved here). I took an assessment test for Walmart and FAILED! I FAILED a test to be employed by WALMART?!?!?!!!!! That is funny, but also very Sad. I mean, have you seen the kinds of people that work there and I---I fail the assessment test?!?

Hubs has been sending out his resume to places all across the country. Some even come back stating that they have no openings...but we have found listings for said job online. WTF?

Anyway, I am fearing the worst. I cry at the thought of seeing my kids cold and having to bundle up in all sorts of blankets just to keep warm. I fear that we will lose our home. I fear that we will not have food to feed our hungry children. I fear...

If worse comes to worse we will be packing up and moving back home. Not our first choice we do not feel that we are ready to give up on this adventure. But as I have heard many times over the past 5 days...'everything happens for a reason'. I totally agree with that, but WHY now? I know that God will not give you too much. He gives you just what he knows you can handle. Was I not taking ma's death well? Or was I taking it too well and I needed an extra side of humility?

Am I now having to live like ma lived? -she was on food stamps, renting a cheap ass apartment, living off what the government sent her. Am I having to put my family threw this because I was not always kind to my ma? Is this my punishment? If so, Punish me...not my family.

*SCREAMS...Cries...asks WHY*

I want to SCREAM, but I cant...not with hubs and the kids around. I cry, but me crying does not help hubs.

I want the season to be over with. I do not think I can fake being excited at Christmas this year as my boys unwrap what little gifts we were able to get before hubs lost his job. I don't even think I can wrap the gifts. I am sick of seeing commercials with happy people and presents, Christmas trees all adorned, people singing, food, all the food commercials...I do not wish to see any of it. I can say that I see how commercialized this season has become. Knowing that we can not just go out and buy this or that and watching our kids see these same commercials knowing that they will not get what is on their Christmas list. It just makes me plain sick. It bothers me (This is my issue), it bothers me reading my friends updates on FB and seeing all the fun/happy/xmasy things they are doing. Cant they all be as miserable as me right now? No, no...I dont wish this on anyone...I dont wish these fears that I am having on anyone. This SUCKS!

We dont have a job...we have NO income...What are we to do?!?


Monday, December 7, 2009

Bah Humbug!

With ma's death, it has really been hard for me to try and get into the holiday spirit. It wouldn't bother me one bit to just skip it altogether. However, I have to attempt it for the kids.

Here is me attempting it last weekend - I pulled the tree out of the box, stacked and fluffed. No ornaments adorn the tree, just the lights that already came on it. I had to tell Hoss that the tree just wont be decorated this year - he seems fine with that.

Then Last Friday when hubs comes home telling me he is fired. FIRED at Christmas time...well isn't that the icing on the cake!

I'd much rather put the tree back in its box and back down in the basement and put a pole up in its place...Happy Festivus!

Friday, December 4, 2009

What a past couple months it has been in this house.
1st - Ma dies.
And today Hubs comes home a lil early and says 'there is a reason I am home early'. VERB! (think about it).
We kinda expected it over the summer (his company was firing everyone left and right), but the past couple months have been ok. Boy, did we not see it coming. 2p this afternoon they fired him on 'lack of productivity' - what does that mean? or is it 'we cant think of anything else to fire you for, so we will make this up'. Hubs had his performance review last month and all was well...actually the past 5 years we have been with them all the reviews have been good. WTF?

Merry Christmas to us and oh yeah, dont let the door hit ya in the arse on the way out!

What's next??? Bad things come in 3's. Was it the loan that went to crap? Me slicing my finger open? HomeDepot raising their interests rate? Or is there something else to come?