Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Some may ask themselves 'why is she freaking out so much...they have their Health'. We may have our Health, but Health does not pay the bills.

It is going to be damn near impossible for me to get a job...a Good job here in small town USA. I do not have a degree and I only have so much of college. I am a SAHM (stay at home mom) and have been for 5 years now (ever since we moved here). I took an assessment test for Walmart and FAILED! I FAILED a test to be employed by WALMART?!?!?!!!!! That is funny, but also very Sad. I mean, have you seen the kinds of people that work there and I---I fail the assessment test?!?

Hubs has been sending out his resume to places all across the country. Some even come back stating that they have no openings...but we have found listings for said job online. WTF?

Anyway, I am fearing the worst. I cry at the thought of seeing my kids cold and having to bundle up in all sorts of blankets just to keep warm. I fear that we will lose our home. I fear that we will not have food to feed our hungry children. I fear...

If worse comes to worse we will be packing up and moving back home. Not our first choice we do not feel that we are ready to give up on this adventure. But as I have heard many times over the past 5 days...'everything happens for a reason'. I totally agree with that, but WHY now? I know that God will not give you too much. He gives you just what he knows you can handle. Was I not taking ma's death well? Or was I taking it too well and I needed an extra side of humility?

Am I now having to live like ma lived? -she was on food stamps, renting a cheap ass apartment, living off what the government sent her. Am I having to put my family threw this because I was not always kind to my ma? Is this my punishment? If so, Punish me...not my family.

*SCREAMS...Cries...asks WHY*

I want to SCREAM, but I cant...not with hubs and the kids around. I cry, but me crying does not help hubs.

I want the season to be over with. I do not think I can fake being excited at Christmas this year as my boys unwrap what little gifts we were able to get before hubs lost his job. I don't even think I can wrap the gifts. I am sick of seeing commercials with happy people and presents, Christmas trees all adorned, people singing, food, all the food commercials...I do not wish to see any of it. I can say that I see how commercialized this season has become. Knowing that we can not just go out and buy this or that and watching our kids see these same commercials knowing that they will not get what is on their Christmas list. It just makes me plain sick. It bothers me (This is my issue), it bothers me reading my friends updates on FB and seeing all the fun/happy/xmasy things they are doing. Cant they all be as miserable as me right now? No, no...I dont wish this on anyone...I dont wish these fears that I am having on anyone. This SUCKS!

We dont have a job...we have NO income...What are we to do?!?


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