brace yourself for ramblings...

GUILT-

I still do not want to talk about it. It is hard when you get sappy emails (I don't do sappy) from family and friends - their thinking is that these words will cheer me up when they do nothing for me. Or when dear friends ask how you are holding up; I wave my hands, shake my head and say 'I'm ok', while trying to hold the tears back.

I think of myself as a strong person...for me to cry in front of others is major. So far, hubby and the boys are the only ones to witness this. Sprout is too young, I doubt if he will even remember meeting ma and Hoss just doesn't get it - he knows I am upset, but doesn't understand why. I had another breakdown last night all due to an email my stepmom sent...she was telling me what ma's service was like yesterday, how many people came, things people said...she said it was nice.

Here I sit crying as I type. I HATE THIS!

How do you get up and face the world, raise your kids, be human for your husband when all you want to do is sit in the dark and grieve?

GUILT!

I feel bad for my brother, he is alone (minus his wife and friends), he is alone - he is making all the arrangements. He is in Alaska - by the time I get there everything will be done. All I can do from here is thank him and approve or agree to this or that.

Ma has had a hard past 5 yrs. Aug '04 she was diagnosed w/ a pituitary tumor....she went thru surgery, radiation treatments and drugs...the drugs she was on took her from a nice looking woman to someone you wouldn't recognize. Her mind changed. Of course, we think that due to the tumor she was changing a few yrs prior to the diagnosis. Its hard to explain how she changed, but the change was there - this change made her hard to be around. At times, she was bitter or to me that is the way she came across.

Over the past several yrs, she had a way of driving people away. That is where some of my guilt comes in. I did not talk to her every time she called, I was not always nice to her, I did not always enjoy time with her. She came to visit this past spring and the first wk was good, but the last two...not so much. People tell me to REMEMBER her visit, REMEMBER what fun yall had - honestly it wasn't all that much fun (like I said, she changed). The very last day we were together we had a fight and I threatened to make her take a cab to the airport...she didn't, but it was the quietest trip to the airport, I didn't even kiss her bye.

GUILT - I hate that I didn't talk to her more. I HATE that I didn't get to say goodbye or I love you - I hope that even tho she drove us all crazy that she knew that we loved her.

GUILT!

I know she was alive last Wed morning and my brother found her dead Fri afternoon - I HATE to think that she had been dead for a couple days - ALONE. I hate that she died ALONE, all ALONE - she didn't have anyone, her pet dog had died just wks before.

In all honesty, when my brother told me that ma was dead - it was a relief, a relief that she will no longer be in pain...and then reality hits and knowing I will never *tears* see her again, never talk to her (even if talking was just via email).

I cant handle stress right now.

There was no autopsy - due to miscommunication - ma was embalmed on Sat. We will not get the final answers on how she died...we (the family) are thinking stroke and/or heart attack. Her dad has had several strokes over the past couple yrs (double digits).

I am actually really surprised that dad is doing so much. He and ma divorced after 21 yrs and they really haven't talked in the past 5yrs or so. He and my stepmom wrote ma's obit. It is really nice that they are doing so much.

HOW am I going to get all her things back here? PODS, Packrat do not service Alaska - I don't think I am getting that much, but I know that she has bigger (furniture) things that I would like to have. How many boxes am I actually going to ship home? How much money am I going to need to do so?

I'm fine.

GUILT!

I am still in shock. It will probably hit me when I meet up with my dad in Seattle or at the service we have planned for her next Sat.

My brother is having a viewing of ma next wk. He asked me and my dad to come up for that, but we both said that we don't want to see ma that way. So, after the viewing she will be cremated. Which is what I was expecting anyway. Cremation is something she told me she wanted many yrs ago. She even told me what boat she wanted, but I doubt that that will happen - we will get a boat close to Perdido Key and let her ashes go there.

That is another thing *ugh, I now have a headache* my stepmom found a biodegradable urn for ma.

Sorry for all the ramblings, my heart and head are just all over the place lately.