Thank You

A BIG shout out to all my friends: Thank You for making Christmas happen for us this year.

Thank You, Thank You...Thank You. Love you all!

Gulf Coast trip (FL-MS) Dec10-Dec 21, 2009

Dec 19, 09 we finally put ma to sea. Her request was to be scattered at sea off a boat. The boat did not happen, but the 2nd best place to let her go was at her old apt. She loved that place and talked of it often.

This is the biodegradable shell that she and Friday (Friday was her dog, he was put down about 1 month before ma's death - he had a tumor that was out of control). Now they are forever together, I see ma and Friday walking in her Heaven....a beautiful, never-ending beach at dusk...just the two of them.

They floated for quite a bit after this.

The shell fills with water and eventually the ashes fall out and the rest eventually deteriorates.

This was a beautiful day. We had just enough people there to see her off.

I took Sprout to Dauphin Island to watch the sunset. It was beautiful.

This is under a pier in Fairhope.

A pelican and blue heron hanging out at ma's lil service.

Some may ask themselves 'why is she freaking out so much...they have their Health'. We may have our Health, but Health does not pay the bills.



It is going to be damn near impossible for me to get a job...a Good job here in small town USA. I do not have a degree and I only have so much of college. I am a SAHM (stay at home mom) and have been for 5 years now (ever since we moved here). I took an assessment test for Walmart and FAILED! I FAILED a test to be employed by WALMART?!?!?!!!!! That is funny, but also very Sad. I mean, have you seen the kinds of people that work there and I---I fail the assessment test?!?



Hubs has been sending out his resume to places all across the country. Some even come back stating that they have no openings...but we have found listings for said job online. WTF?



Anyway, I am fearing the worst. I cry at the thought of seeing my kids cold and having to bundle up in all sorts of blankets just to keep warm. I fear that we will lose our home. I fear that we will not have food to feed our hungry children. I fear...



If worse comes to worse we will be packing up and moving back home. Not our first choice we do not feel that we are ready to give up on this adventure. But as I have heard many times over the past 5 days...'everything happens for a reason'. I totally agree with that, but WHY now? I know that God will not give you too much. He gives you just what he knows you can handle. Was I not taking ma's death well? Or was I taking it too well and I needed an extra side of humility?



Am I now having to live like ma lived? -she was on food stamps, renting a cheap ass apartment, living off what the government sent her. Am I having to put my family threw this because I was not always kind to my ma? Is this my punishment? If so, Punish me...not my family.


*SCREAMS...Cries...asks WHY*



I want to SCREAM, but I cant...not with hubs and the kids around. I cry, but me crying does not help hubs.



I want the season to be over with. I do not think I can fake being excited at Christmas this year as my boys unwrap what little gifts we were able to get before hubs lost his job. I don't even think I can wrap the gifts. I am sick of seeing commercials with happy people and presents, Christmas trees all adorned, people singing, food, all the food commercials...I do not wish to see any of it. I can say that I see how commercialized this season has become. Knowing that we can not just go out and buy this or that and watching our kids see these same commercials knowing that they will not get what is on their Christmas list. It just makes me plain sick. It bothers me (This is my issue), it bothers me reading my friends updates on FB and seeing all the fun/happy/xmasy things they are doing. Cant they all be as miserable as me right now? No, no...I dont wish this on anyone...I dont wish these fears that I am having on anyone. This SUCKS!



We dont have a job...we have NO income...What are we to do?!?



*SCREAMS, CRIES*

Bah Humbug!

With ma's death, it has really been hard for me to try and get into the holiday spirit. It wouldn't bother me one bit to just skip it altogether. However, I have to attempt it for the kids.

Here is me attempting it last weekend - I pulled the tree out of the box, stacked and fluffed. No ornaments adorn the tree, just the lights that already came on it. I had to tell Hoss that the tree just wont be decorated this year - he seems fine with that.

Then Last Friday when hubs comes home telling me he is fired. FIRED at Christmas time...well isn't that the icing on the cake!

I'd much rather put the tree back in its box and back down in the basement and put a pole up in its place...Happy Festivus!

What a past couple months it has been in this house.
1st - Ma dies.
And today Hubs comes home a lil early and says 'there is a reason I am home early'. VERB! (think about it).
We kinda expected it over the summer (his company was firing everyone left and right), but the past couple months have been ok. Boy, did we not see it coming. 2p this afternoon they fired him on 'lack of productivity' - what does that mean? or is it 'we cant think of anything else to fire you for, so we will make this up'. Hubs had his performance review last month and all was well...actually the past 5 years we have been with them all the reviews have been good. WTF?

Merry Christmas to us and oh yeah, dont let the door hit ya in the arse on the way out!

What's next??? Bad things come in 3's. Was it the loan that went to crap? Me slicing my finger open? HomeDepot raising their interests rate? Or is there something else to come?

Alaska

Flew to Alaska. All in all it was a 9.5hr flight.

I love the pines in Alaska, tall and thin. Very pretty.

Had the service for ma. It was sad. I cried. But I will not have closer til next month when we put her ashes to sea. There was a beautiful collage of ma that my stepmom put together (I picked the pictures and she put them together). I should have gotten a picture of it - my brother got identical frames and he will copy the pictures and we will have the same collage of ma.
Went threw ma's belongings...I took lots, brother took some and gave the rest to charity.

Fairbanks at night. Pretty and Real cold! People that live in Alaska are crazy!

Saw the beauty that was there. Saw a moose. Tried foods I otherwise would not have (elk, moose, reindeer, frog, king crab leg). Went to the North Pole which is south of Fairbanks. Saw the pipeline. Went to Chena Hot Springs and sat in snow in a swimsuit.

Some may ask...

How can it be that she seems so calm/content just 2 weeks after her moms unexpected death?

1) I am still in shock
2) I am in denial
3) I am Not thinking about it.
4) in a way I have always expected/anticipated that phone call. <~ Leaning more towards 3 & 4.

Today, even though it is still early, I'm good. I still need to go threw pictures of ma for the service on Saturday. Need to edit the clothes I am taking because my luggage is bustin' at the seams. Need to make sure I have plenty of cool music on the Mp3, cell charged & camera battery charged.

12 week post-op Update

I've been doing aquacise 5x a wk at an hour each for the past month and I am only down 5Lbs! I will say part of that is due to ma's death and not eating right. They (Dr and nurse) were fine with just the 5 Lbs. A total of 43Lbs lost.

This is my gut with a 5-6inch needle in it. I got 2cc's for a total of 8cc's.

I asked my Dr about being in a food rut (I feel like I am not allowed carbs, but he said 'your body needs some carbs), how many calories should I be eating (I am eating about 1400 and he said that was fine). I asked about hair loss and he told me B12, zinc & iron. I told him I haven't been taking the vitamins because they all taste like candy to me (I HATE candy) - he told me to just smush up the regular stuff.

Here's to the rest of the day on clear liquids, tomorrow thicker liquids followed by thicker and thicker foods.

Lets hope the next 6 weeks go smoother, altho, I will be out of town next week and a week in Dec.

Are you ok with pictures???

I've been tired of finding gloves all over the house and none ever matching. Thought today that I ought to make a basket thing to hang on the wall to hold all the gloves. I already had a small plastic tote, the only problem is that it has a lip on it...using an xacto knife I was slicing the lip off and Oops! I missed!!! Immediately I jammed my thumb in my mouth (it might be gross, but it is something I have always done - if I cut my hand/fingers). Went to the kitchen to get a napkin to hold pressure to it and they blood was a flowing. Man did it HURT! I called an immediate care center here in town to see how deep a cut had to be to get stitches. I then told them that it was still bleeding after 10 min - they said 'C'mon in'.
The doctor asked me if I was ok with needles, I replied 'Yes, are you ok with pictures?' lol

This is after I got the numbing med and a tetanus shot. I felt the 2nd stitch! Ouch!!!

It was bleeding like a stuck pig which means it was bleeding out all the numbing meds. Here he is numbing it more so (cause I felt the 2nd stitch).

6 stitches later. The stitches come out after 10 days (Dr said 'tips of fingers...10 days'). This is going to be fun hauling luggage thru the airports and going thru boxes of stuff this/next wk.

Today is okay

After writing the blog on ramblings...I felt better. Getting most of my thoughts down on paper (ok, ok - typing all my thoughts on a blog, even if no one out there in the World Wide Web reads it) it has helped me.

In a way, it helps that ma lived so far away and that I did not see her often nor talk to her often. In a way, that helps with her being gone today -
It also helps, that I do not think about it. I do not sit and just ponder. I get up - see Sparky off to work, get Hoss ready and off to school and then it is me and Sprout for 7 hours. Sprout has a way to get my mind off of it. Then I go to the gym (another hour of not thinking). When I am home with Sparky, he has a way to make me laugh - laughter is such good medicine.

Today - I am ok (still not focusing on her being gone). Today is ok. Thursday, I fly out to Alaska - Thursday is going to be tough. Friday worse and Saturday...well, I don't know what Saturday will bring; we are holding a service for her Saturday. All next week, I don't know---me and my brother have to go thru ma's things and decide on what we want and then I have to figure out HOW I am going to ship her things back. HOW much is it going to cost us? Will I be able to bring back everything I want? Will I have money left over? Can I do this?

Today is okay.

???

What is the appropriate amount of time to grieve? Not just sadness, but full on, I can't concentrate/function grieve?

brace yourself for ramblings...

GUILT-

I still do not want to talk about it. It is hard when you get sappy emails (I don't do sappy) from family and friends - their thinking is that these words will cheer me up when they do nothing for me. Or when dear friends ask how you are holding up; I wave my hands, shake my head and say 'I'm ok', while trying to hold the tears back.

I think of myself as a strong person...for me to cry in front of others is major. So far, hubby and the boys are the only ones to witness this. Sprout is too young, I doubt if he will even remember meeting ma and Hoss just doesn't get it - he knows I am upset, but doesn't understand why. I had another breakdown last night all due to an email my stepmom sent...she was telling me what ma's service was like yesterday, how many people came, things people said...she said it was nice.

Here I sit crying as I type. I HATE THIS!

How do you get up and face the world, raise your kids, be human for your husband when all you want to do is sit in the dark and grieve?

GUILT!

I feel bad for my brother, he is alone (minus his wife and friends), he is alone - he is making all the arrangements. He is in Alaska - by the time I get there everything will be done. All I can do from here is thank him and approve or agree to this or that.

Ma has had a hard past 5 yrs. Aug '04 she was diagnosed w/ a pituitary tumor....she went thru surgery, radiation treatments and drugs...the drugs she was on took her from a nice looking woman to someone you wouldn't recognize. Her mind changed. Of course, we think that due to the tumor she was changing a few yrs prior to the diagnosis. Its hard to explain how she changed, but the change was there - this change made her hard to be around. At times, she was bitter or to me that is the way she came across.

Over the past several yrs, she had a way of driving people away. That is where some of my guilt comes in. I did not talk to her every time she called, I was not always nice to her, I did not always enjoy time with her. She came to visit this past spring and the first wk was good, but the last two...not so much. People tell me to REMEMBER her visit, REMEMBER what fun yall had - honestly it wasn't all that much fun (like I said, she changed). The very last day we were together we had a fight and I threatened to make her take a cab to the airport...she didn't, but it was the quietest trip to the airport, I didn't even kiss her bye.

GUILT - I hate that I didn't talk to her more. I HATE that I didn't get to say goodbye or I love you - I hope that even tho she drove us all crazy that she knew that we loved her.

GUILT!

I know she was alive last Wed morning and my brother found her dead Fri afternoon - I HATE to think that she had been dead for a couple days - ALONE. I hate that she died ALONE, all ALONE - she didn't have anyone, her pet dog had died just wks before.

In all honesty, when my brother told me that ma was dead - it was a relief, a relief that she will no longer be in pain...and then reality hits and knowing I will never *tears* see her again, never talk to her (even if talking was just via email).

I cant handle stress right now.

There was no autopsy - due to miscommunication - ma was embalmed on Sat. We will not get the final answers on how she died...we (the family) are thinking stroke and/or heart attack. Her dad has had several strokes over the past couple yrs (double digits).

I am actually really surprised that dad is doing so much. He and ma divorced after 21 yrs and they really haven't talked in the past 5yrs or so. He and my stepmom wrote ma's obit. It is really nice that they are doing so much.

HOW am I going to get all her things back here? PODS, Packrat do not service Alaska - I don't think I am getting that much, but I know that she has bigger (furniture) things that I would like to have. How many boxes am I actually going to ship home? How much money am I going to need to do so?

I'm fine.

GUILT!

I am still in shock. It will probably hit me when I meet up with my dad in Seattle or at the service we have planned for her next Sat.

My brother is having a viewing of ma next wk. He asked me and my dad to come up for that, but we both said that we don't want to see ma that way. So, after the viewing she will be cremated. Which is what I was expecting anyway. Cremation is something she told me she wanted many yrs ago. She even told me what boat she wanted, but I doubt that that will happen - we will get a boat close to Perdido Key and let her ashes go there.

That is another thing *ugh, I now have a headache* my stepmom found a biodegradable urn for ma.

Sorry for all the ramblings, my heart and head are just all over the place lately.

I am fine.

As long as I don't think or talk about it. Being a SAHM tho - I have plenty of time to think. Ugh.

Going up next wk to help my brother out w/ ma's things. I would not be able to go if my dad were not as generous as he is. Thank You dad and T.

I feel bad because I have yet to talk to my aunt (ma's twin) or the rest of her family (other than email) - I can't handle the emotions of everyone right now, maybe in time, but not now.

Death

Found out around 4:29p this afternoon that my mom was dead. I get a call that said 'she's dead'. She was only 53yrs/o. Will update later.

beads, beads and more beads

Aint nuthin better than the sweet sound of thousands and thousands of sea beads showering to the floor. lovely.

Grandma's preserves TAKE 2

My girlfriend brought me another bag of pears Saturday.

My mom called my grandma and got her recipe (boy, was the 1st recipe waaaaaay off!)

*pear preserves: pears,sugar, juice of 1/2 a lemon, 1/2 cup of water. pour 2 1/2 lbs. of sugar on top of pears, add water and juice. Let sit at room temp. for 2-3 hrs. turn heat on after and slow cook till golden brown and pears are cooked to your desire . Meantime, boil jars and lids . (They must go thru this process. Why you ask? Been that way since the beginning of time). When pears are done spoon them into jars, You may need to thicken juice with more sugar, but be careful not to add to much. The juice should look like syrup.STIR FREQUENTLY OR IT WILL BURN*

Ok, so I tweaked this a little (I am not a sugar person - I didn't really measure, but I think I put about 2c sugar and about 1c brown sugar, a dash of salt and 1 lemon).

The bag of pears I got only made 4.5 jars of preserves.

I did it!

I joined the gym! I really don't have any excuses because it is directly across the street from my house. Right now, I am trying to figure out how I can go everyday without having to pay a sitter to watch Sprout.

I joined last night and had my first water aerobics class this morning, it was an hour long and was fun - minus the 1 broad that would not shut up. I am doing this class again on Monday (neighbor going to watch Sprout) and then Wednesday, I am planning on doing a toning class.

I really hope that this is something I can stick to.

Adventures in preserves

I remember going to my grandma's home in Georgia and finding her baking, cooking or making preserves. I love her pear preserves.
When you would walk into her home you would enter threw the laundry/mud/pantry. Along 1 entire wall grandpa had put shelves and lining those shelves were canned foods or preserves of all types.
It has been a while since I have had them and never have I tried to make them.

I went for a walk with a couple girlfriends Tuesday and 1 came bearing gifts (bags of freshly picked pears from her MIL's).

I was on a mission, a mission to make preserves.

Step 1: peel pears.
Step 2: slice & dice.
Step 3: add 1 Tbsp lemon juice.
Step 4: 1c water

Simmer for 10 minutes. Add pectin and let boil for 1 minute. Add 5c white sugar. Boil 1 minute. Remove from heat and add 1/2c brown sugar. 2tsp nutmeg & 2tsp allspice.

Here is the finished project. I haven't tried them yet - too hot.

*I do not have a dishwasher which would have been easy to sterilize the jars. I had to wash and then boil for 10 minutes ... I set them in the oven at 180 degrees to keep the jars nice and warm for the warm preserves.

* something tells me that these are not on the banders diet.

OK - so my brother tells me I should have left out the spices to be like grandma's - now he tells me after I have made them. lol

***I tried these over a warm biscuit, all I can say is YUM-O!

12 week post-op UPDATE

I am down 9 more LBS for a total of 38LBS in just 3 mths (I was on a 2 week pre-op diet) and the nurse & my DR both said that that is pretty darn good in 6 weeks.

I got my 2nd fill, hurt a little more this time because he didn't hit the port the 1st time and had to maneuver it in - Ouch!

My Dr was a good sport and took a picture of that big as* needle sticking out of my gut.

I am on liquids the rest of today, semi liquid tomorrow and soft foods Thursday.

I go back in 6 weeks.

walking...

My walking buddies could not make it this morning, so it was just me and Sprout.

When I got to the cemetery (Yes, we walk at the cemetery - it is beautiful, quiet and the streets are traffic free). When we got there, I had a missed call and it was my buddy telling me she could not make it and by the time, I kind of figured my other friend wouldn't be there either. I thought about just not doing it and coming back home, but all I would have done here is sulk.
Begrudgingly, I got out of my car, got the stroller and strapped Sprout in. I was determined to do at least 1.5 miles and in the end I did 3.11 miles.

It is much harder to walk those miles without the playful banter of friends to babble the miles away...but I DID IT!

12 week post-op

What have I been doing the past 6 weeks? Nothing and then a lot. At my last appointment I was given an exercise ball and bands. I was given a hand out with exercises to do to tone and strengthen, have I used any of that - No. Why? You may ask, because I feel silly doing it alone in my own home. With no one here to watch me and make sure that I am doing it...it won't get done.

For the first 3 weeks after my last appointment I did nothing. Then 1 day I got this wild hair and decided to walk. I have been walking every week since doing at the least 2.5 miles and up to 4 miles, per day. I walk 3 times a week and sometimes more. Walking is better than nothing right? Just hope my Dr feels the same way.

I am nervous (again) for this appointment, fat people are always nervous - reckon that I will ever grow out of that?

On a side note, I went threw my closet yesterday and a good bit of my clothes are too Big and I feel frumpy wearing them. Last night I went horseback riding with girlfriends and the only thing I had to wear were bigger pants and a bigger shirt... I don't like the way I look in the few pictures that were taken of me.

* I will update later on how my appointment went.

New Creation:

My mom had a turquoise bracelet back in the day (the center piece is 1 of 5 from that bracelet).

I found the bracelet the other day and it was broken. I started to take it apart to re purpose it into new jewelry.

Bought fishing barrel swivel thingies and using jewelry jump rings, I connected it all together.

It turned out pretty nice, I am happy with it.

Squash & zucchini-ghetti

I am really not suppose to have carbs. There are a ton of carbs in spaghetti noodles.

Tonight's dinner Spaghetti w/ sliced vegi rather than noodles. Hubby wasn't sure about it, because he says 'you know I don't like squash'. I told him 'you will eat it and you will like it'.

You can't even taste the vegi's, all you taste is the sauce. It was goooooooood.

By The Way - hubby & the boys cleaned their plates. :)

I had an awesome salad last night -

Romaine lettuce w/ blue cheese dressing (had real blue cheese chunks, I love blue cheese) topped with a sprinkling of craisins.

I wasn't sure about the cranberries, but 1 snuck onto my fork and surprised me....the zing of the blue cheese followed by the sweet of the cranberry. Hubby is not a blue cheese fan, but he ate a few - 4 bites of the salad and the boys polished off what I gave them too.

You HAVE to try this (BTW - I had choice of dressing) *pic not mine.

Another Sunday, another road trip

Challis or Salt Lake City? The answer---Neither. Too lazy to drive the 3 hours 1 way to Challis and been there done that on SLC.

Ended up driving down to Bear Lake. There are some really cute little towns between here and there, with some beautiful old buildings? Why do we love old buildings so much? Is it the beauty? The history? I don't know the answer I just know that we love them so.
Bear Lake, Ut - the lake even has waves, wasn't expecting that. The water was a beautiful blue - too bad that didn't show on camera.

Stopped in a campground to play in the water and ended up taking a (what I think) is a pretty darn good picture of hubby. The light is working here.

Lately i have been into taking pictures with the sun shinning threw. I like the star burst effect it offers.

Just another Sunday, just another drive...Where will we end up next week?

1 foot in front of the other

I am suppose to be exercising 1 hour a day 5 days a week. I have yet to do so, first I was waiting for Hoss to start school, so that I would actually have the time to do it (probably explains a little WHY I got fat in the first place). Anyway, I know I need to do something...anything is better than nothing, right?

Monday was the first day of school here. I dropped Hoss off at school and then I walked to pick him up! Not only did I walk to his school, but I also then walked to hubby's job to take him lunch and then I had to walk back home = 3.13 Miles!!! I haven't walked that far at 1 time since maybe Navy Boot Camp in '98.

Wednesday, Sprout grabbed the stroller (the stroller we use my folks bought while in Germany with my older brother). Anyway, he grabbed the stroller and said 'wide' (for those of you that don't speak 3 year old he said ride). So, we headed down the street and walked to Goodwill and then to Fred Meyers, made it to the main road there and turned around = 2.46 Miles.

Sprout did this again yesterday, but I took the day off.

This morning he grabbed the stroller and said 'wide', we headed out the door and turned right - destination hubby at work. Got to work and hung out for a few when hubby tells me that there is an antique shop that I need to check out. We got in the car (hubby sometimes takes my car to work). Went to the antique shop and then dropped the car back off with hubby and walked home = 3 Miles!!! Man it feels good to get out and walk. I hope that I can keep it up at least til it snows (ugh, that's a 4 letter word).

My new love...

Vintage Pyrex in primary colors. I look for these while out junking and that includes thrift stores. I refuse to pay over $5 for any 1 piece. I have MAYBE $40 in all my pieces (I have more, but a couple are being used and the others have patterns <~ not my fave). I love finding these - Hoss went to a yard sale with hubby 2 weeks ago and he is the one that found my latest 2 pieces (a lil blue bowl and a red bowl). As you can see, I have multiples...in case 1 happens to break I have a backup.
Still on the lookout for the illusive green bowl (now, I need 2).

Yes, I use these.

Fire King/Anchor Hocking Azurite or Turquoise Blue

What a find! 3 weeks ago we were out doing our usual junking...went thru a fairly new neighborhood - while driving I told hubby 'I see old boxes'. LOOK what I found:

You see that right - 18 piece Turquoise Blue in box. There are 3 pieces that have small chips, but it is not from use, it is from being moved from place to place. 1 corner of the box is loose - the glue is no longer.

I don't think I have made a find like this while out junking in a long while.

The creamer and sugar still have the stickers in them.

I came across and bought a creamer about 6 years ago while at The Worlds Largest Yard Sale in Aug '02.